When we started this journey, we didn’t go looking for a child. We didn’t commit to adoption and then choose a little one. We did open our hearts to the idea of parenting an adopted child, but frankly our life felt already overwhelming, so we just said, “Okay, God, if you want us to do this, you’ll have to make it happen.” Yep. All we did was say yes. And then He did it. So we said yes to Elijah, but we didn’t choose him based on his country or special needs or gender, or anything except God’s say so.
When we first met him, I was relieved. He seemed so…well…normal. He was bright and funny and engaging and very affectionate (which was actually an indicator of dysfunction, but I didn’t get that).The place he lived seemed like a clean, warm, sweet place with good caregivers. He had spent 3 years with his birthmother, so we thought, “Great, he has the potential to really attach well, given time.” I even felt a little guilty. Why did God choose this child for us when there are those who are in unbearable, inhumane conditions with NO ONE? At least this boy had some caring adults in his life.
Fast forward to today. We see that those things we first thought about him are somewhat true, but now we are getting a fuller picture. We see that Elijah’s special needs are hidden, invisible wounds, and the kind that don’t show up on a first meeting unless you know what to look for. They are gaping, bleeding sores that permeate his life. No interaction, no moment, no thought is really untouched by abandonment, neglect, victimization, delay, and fear. He doesn’t display some of the most terrifying behaviors like cruelty to animals or doing bizarre things with bodily fluids. But his way of being in the world is so painful, so wrapped in darkness that it is hard to see beneath to the boy he was created to be. We know what he needs is love. That’s the remedy. It seems like a simple answer, but giving real love to someone who has not known it and cannot recognize it and isn’t even sure he wants it, is not simple at all. Once he realized that we would not give him everything he wanted, and he could not have our undivided attention every moment of every day, he wasn’t so excited to be in our family. He is going through deep disillusionment. Unconsciously or consciously, he is still looking for his “perfect” family. In the adoption community, we have a word for all of this:
Attachment.
It’s the deep knowing that you belong with someone and that someone belongs with you.
Adoptive parents talk about it, read about it, write about it, think about it, worry over it, plan for it, try to protect it, and imagine we will know it when we see it. It is like a fragile little plant whose seed germination stage can take years and years without any real evidence to confirm the viability of said seed. You can plant a seed and water it and fertilize and watch, but really, only God can make a plant grow. It’s true with attachment as well.
And right now, we are just trying to discern which situations and activities and interactions help our little seeds take root and which ones disturb those roots. For instance, swaddling E in a blanket and rocking him while singing helps him feel like he’s really mine. Other things undermine that attachment. One of those things we have read about and are now witnessing in real life is the effect of attention and affection from kind and well-meaning adults upon our little semi-attached boy. It’s not a pretty picture. Recently after one such encounter he told me straight out in plain English, what he’s said mostly with behavior before: “I want a different place. Different mom. Different dad. Different brother and sisters. I nay like this place.” Only moments later he changed his mind, terrified we might agree with him. Always the push and pull. It’s called ambivalent attachment, and it’s stressful for everyone.
Around Thanksgiving, we sent a letter to our extended family and about 15 other families who we see on a regular basis. We’ve had a wonderful, supportive response from almost everyone who received the letter. I didn’t originally intend to share our letter here, but I’ve realized that so many families face these issues. Adoptive families need to know they aren’t alone and need to see how others are handling the challenges. So this is for other adoptive families and those who want to support them in this journey.
Dear Trusted Ones:
If you are receiving this letter, it is because you are someone in our circle of friends that we see on a regular or semi-regular basis or you are part of our family. You are part of our treasured community and therefore, part of Elijah’s community.
As we have begun to really get to know our son and settle in with him, we have learned that while language is important, it is Elijah’s behavior that is most revealing. Because of the language barrier and because of his obvious delays, we have needed to mostly listen to what he is telling us through his behavior. We’ve begun to understand some of his behaviors in light of childhood trauma and the effects of institutionalization and the attachment process.
When we first brought him home, one thing we noticed was how affectionate and charming he was with adults. The first time we took him to our home group meeting, as we left, he hugged every adult in the room. At the time, we didn’t interpret this behavior correctly, and we just thought, Wow, this is one friendly, affectionate kid! Although we had read about attachment issues, it is hard to identify just what you are looking at when it’s the first time you’ve ever seen it up close and personal.
As time has gone on, we’ve realized that Elijah really trusts no one (not surprisingly) and is actually “happier” with new people than he is with us. Unconsciously, he thinks he must arrange for all his needs to be met and must control all adults in order to do that since the adults are the ones who have power over him. He uses affection, engagement and charm as a means to control. It is much easier for him to control adults who do not know him. He is on the lookout for adults who will hug, snuggle, give deep eye-contact, and respond to his requests for attention, entertainment or the kinds of foods that he wants. After experiencing these types of interactions with other adults, we see him push us away, battle for more control, become more demanding, and act out in subtle and not-so-subtle defiance. These more intimate interactions with adults (other than us) feed the dysfunctional patterns we are trying to replace with healthy ones. He seeks these interactions because relying only on Mom and Dad is terrifying at some level since all the adults in his life have left him and since he has never had to depend on just one or two relationships. He has had a revolving door of care givers, so that is what feels more comfortable to him. However, seeking out attention from other adults and getting it just reinforces the idea that he does not need to take the leap of faith in trusting us. Of course, none of this is malicious or even intentional on his part and every bit of it makes sense given his unique history. However, it is highly dysfunctional and deeply opposed to building real relationship.
What we have realized is that just having him with us and in our home over time may not convince his brain that he is safe and can trust us. We need to take more action if we want for him to really bond with us appropriately. He needs this, our other children need it, and so do we. Living with and parenting a child with attachment issues is exhausting, frustrating and difficult…every day.
Here’s where you come in! As you encounter Elijah, your interactions with him will either reinforce our bonding with him or slow that process down.
The best way you can interact with him if he approaches you is to give a smile and a wave or high-five or fist bump. Giving hugs, rubbing his head, putting your arm around him or letting him sit close to you or on your lap will be enforcing his paradigm that he should not rely on us for his needs. It is best if you do not offer him food or drink. If he asks you for something, it’s best for you to say, “You’d better ask your mom or dad.” Please don’t let him play with or even hold your phone or other electronic device. He often wants to take the hand of an adult and lead them somewhere apart from others to “show them something.” This seems innocent but is not. He is trying to be sure he has the complete attention of an adult and will fabricate anything to keep one engaged. It is not healthy for him. A short friendly conversation with him is good, but giving extended attention or lots of praise is counterproductive. Any “doting” or actions to communicate how very special he is need to come from us right now.
Of course, he needs lots of hugs, praise, snuggles, attention, feeding and need-meeting, but it’s important for it to come from those who also discipline and guide him. He needs to understand that love does not mean getting everything he demands, and that we are trustworthy and will meet his needs, giving him what is best for him.
“For a child struggling with attachment, attention from other adults is often
like giving sugar to a diabetic child whose body cannot process it correctly.
It is confusing, misleading, and damaging to them. Affectionate interaction
from other adults is poisonous, but when it comes from their parents it is
their medicine. If other adults give them attention, though, it often prevents
them from taking their medicine from their parents.
It’s easier for him to control people that aren’t familiar with his
background, behavior, or needs. He knows how to get their attention, how
to manipulate their time, how to make them repeat themselves, and how to
extort sympathy. It all feeds a craving for superficial attention so he can
ignore his real need for genuine interaction with his mom and dad.
This craving is like a parasite living inside our children; they get very little
of this superficial attention from their parents because it is not healthy for
them. What they do get from their parents is a sanctuary of genuine
connection from the same caregivers who are there for them day in and day
out – which is a completely unfamiliar, scary, upside-down experience for
many adopted children. They get honest love, guidance, and correction
regarding behavior, hygiene, food, chores, school, manners, routines,
everything. The depth of this interaction is new and frightening, though it is
healing for them.”
~Upside Down, by Shannon Guerra
If this seems like foreign thinking or if you’d just like to understand more and take a deeper look at attachment in adoption, I’d encourage you to read the e-book, Upside Down, (quoted above) by another adoptive mom who has been on a journey similar to ours for a longer time. She writes very insightfully about these issues and her book is easy to read and understand.
You can find it at: http://copperlightwood.com/upside-down
It is available for free download or you can just read online.
Thank you so much for being willing to love Elijah in this unique way as we help him heal from his wounds.
Jason & Kristin